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by Maria on 26 Jun 2013 - 20:08  

I read a bunch of these here, and decided to make a list of some of my favorites (plus some from elsewhere), so I can always find a good joke:

  • It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
  • I'd tell you a UDP joke, but you may not get it; or I could tell you a joke about TCP, but I'd have to keep repeating it until you got it, so I prefer IP jokes; it's all in the delivery.
  • Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says, "Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it's funny or not?" Gödel replies, "We can't know that because we're inside the joke." Chomsky says, "Of course it's funny. You're just telling it wrong."
  • Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint, the phone rings and he jumps up shouting "oh shit, I forgot to feed the dog!"
  • A physicist, a mathematician and an engineer stay in a hotel. The engineer is awakened by a smell and gets up to check it. He finds a fire in the hallway, sees a nearby fire extinguisher and after extinguishing it, goes back to bed. Later that night, the physicist gets up, again because of the smell of fire. He quickly gets up and sees the fire in the hallway. After calculating air pressure, flame temperature and humidity as well as distance to the fire and projected trajectory, he extinguishes the fire with the least amount of fluid.
    Possible Endings:

At last, the mathematician awakes, only again to find a fire in the hallway. He instantly sees the extinguisher and thinks, "A solution exists!", and heads back into his room.

Then the mathematician awakens, and finds that the embers of the fire are still burning. After giving much thought to the problem, he gets up re-ignites it to an actual fire. Then he goes back to sleep, satisfied that the problem has been reduced to a previously solved one.

The mathematician awakens, and finds another fire in the hallway. He looks out the door, then goes back to bed. The house ends up burning down, but the physicist and engineer manage to save the mathematician. When asked why he didn't put out the fire, he says: "I saw the fire, I saw the extinguisher, the solution was trivial."

The punchline has been left as an exercise for the reader.

  • Entropy isn't what it used to be
  • The programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
  • I didn't originally write this one down, but the explanation on Slate was hilarious:
    • From user DrColdReality: “Two women walk into a bar and talk about the Bechdel test.”
    • Why it’s funny: Because “Bechdel test” is actually the name of a guy the first woman is dating.
  • Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and seek. Einstein closes his eyes and counts to 100. Pascal runs off and hides. Netwon draws a one meter by one meter square on the ground in front of Einstein, and stands in the middle of it. Einstein opens his eyes, and sees Newton immediately, exclaiming, "Newton, I found you! You're it!" Newton smiles and says, "You didn't find Newton, you found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!"
  • A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies: “No, I’m travelling light.”
  • How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish.
  • Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
  • The barman says: “We don’t serve faster-than-light particles here.” A tachyon enters a bar.
  • Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality.
  • An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The bartender says: “What’ll it be, boys?” The first mathematician: “I’ll have one half of a beer.” The second mathematician: “I’ll have one quarter of a beer.” The third mathematician: “I’ll have one eight of a beer.” The fourth mathematician: “I’ll have one sixteenth of a…” The bartender interrupts: “Know your limits, boys” as he pours out a single beer.
  • What does the “B” in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for? Answer: Benoit B Mandelbrot.
  • What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
  • Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French café, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress: “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies: “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”
  • What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

If you hear any more good ones, let me know!

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27.06.2013 - 06:29  

That guy

Another one

I've got something in my head about Schrodinger putting up a "Lost Cat" sign, but I'm not sure if there's anything there.

28.06.2013 - 17:23  

Maria

Another one

Haha. I'm also not sure if there is anything there. May require brain surgery to find out.

14.09.2013 - 06:49  

Peter

Very nice, the joke with the mathematitian

Thanks Maria, to share these jokes. That from the title is special to me, because I am a mathematician.

My one goes like this: How to find out which of three students is what! Ask them to multiply 2 by 3! Medicin student answers immediatly: 6 Physics student gets his 'Rechenschieber' puts the mark of 2 over the mark of 3 and reads 5.999 oh let us round it to 6. Mathematics student: He goes back to his room comes back with a read head and says: a solution exists.

08.10.2013 - 17:08  

Kikker

Buddhist monk

A Buddhist monk is in the dentist’s office to have a root canal done. The dentist asks “Would you like Novocain?” The monk replies “No. I wish to transcend dental medication.”

08.10.2013 - 17:14  

Kikker

kleptomania

The joke about kleptomaniacs was a bit disturbing to me because I suffer from bouts of kleptomania myself. But whenever it flares up, I take something for it.

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