so this is blogging

Blog

by maria on 09.11.2007 - 03:01  

I'm curious if 1 will work for a blog name. I don't think I can come up with page names and titles for every entry. That seems ridiculous, a bit demanding of my blogging software. So, here we are at my first blog post. After screwing around with a couple of different blog setups, I'm hoping this one will work for me. See where it takes me...

It seems weird to start with the past, but my ex-husband got in touch with me recently, and it got me thinking about all kinds of stuff.

He seemed nice. It is weird that at one time I knew him so well, but now, I don't think I would have recognized his voice if I hadn't already known it was him. The last time we had talked was around 12 or 13 years ago. That was a short phone call with several uncomfortable pauses, some months after the divorce was finalized. It was easier talking to him this time. He reminded me of someone I once knew. It was really good to hear from him.

The past sometimes seems to me almost as open as the future. So much about the past changes as we keep getting further away from it. There is so much I have forgotten, and so much I don't remember correctly (or maybe its other people that don't remember correctly, heh, heh). Not just events, but emotions. What was I feeling when we left Texas for Pennsylvania? Probably happy, since I was out of the army, but was I excited or dreading it? I can remember feeling happy at times, angry at times, sad at times, but I don't feel the intensity. Things that were poison at the time seem not very menacing now. It is hard now to imagine my anger and frustration when my commander in Korea tried to kick me out of the army. It still makes me angry, but it is more like I am angry for a character in a book. When my niece died, I remember feeling like a knife was cutting through me, and I also remember feeling a little bit sad, and a little bit happy, that the feeling would fade. It is funny the things you think about in times of intensity. Sometimes I think, I shouldn't feel a certain way, but of course I do, and I must. I think I usually have no choice about how I feel. If it is just the way I am, why do I feel like the way I feel is wrong sometimes? XKCD had a cartoon along these lines http://www.xkcd.com/58/.

Ella, I still miss you, and I will try to laugh at least once every day in memory of you.


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